Day 86, year 1

pripyat_ukraine_abandoned_city-1

Day 86, year 1

Celia and I have found an okay hiding place for now. I’m not going to say where in fear they might find this. But we’re safe for now. It quiet and we cannot see the burning city which is a nice change. But the quietness is getting to me. I cannot sleep, but that’s not new. Celia’s leg is healing, slowly, but it’s healing. The puss and redness has gone away, now it’s itchy. I remember my mother always saying that when a cut was healing it would get itchy. Or maybe that’s what I imagined my mother saying when my cuts got itchy.

Last night there was a raid in the town we were in.

Honestly I do not know how we survived. We hid in a tube. It felt as if we were in there for months. We clung to each other out of fear, curled up for hours in the small tube. My neck is still sore from the way it was bent. But it’s better than the alternative.

They entered the house we were in. Celia and I huddled together as close as possible. They opened up cupboards downstairs, throwing the rusty pans across the floor. They were trashing the place. There were footsteps coming up the stairway to the hallway. They walked by the door, the door nob jiggled and opened. In that moment I felt my heart stop beating, I thought I was going to die. I do not know how he did not see us, but he looked around the room, glancing at every empty space in the room then closed the door. If Celia’s cut was bleeding he would have sure smelt it and we would have been captured.

When he looked into the room I could hear him breathing heavily. There was a distance between us but I could feel the tickle of his breath on my skin, making it crawl. All I could hear was his breathing and our hearts running fast. We held our breaths as if it would stop our heart from beating.

They left the house 20 minutes later, then we were finally able to breath fully without worrying about being heard.

They must have looted another house in the town because there were shrieks for the rest of the night. The screaming stopped sometime in the early morning. When we left we didn’t dare check to see what happened to them, knowing it would be a very gruesome scene.

We left the town as soon as the sun came up, we got to where we are now by the end of sun down. It’s dark now and the only light we have is from the stars and the moon.

I remember as a child I would laugh at that saying, but now I see how serious it is. Living in this world is much less of a joke than I used to think it would be. I used to think living with the threat of dying each day was a fun adventure, that traveling from empty town to empty town was going to be a beautiful thing to see. Now I cannot help but look down at my feet whenever I see a town.

I wish things were back to how it used to be. But I know it never will and we will have to build a new world, somehow.

Female Fronted Bands

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I have a friend who has some questionable opinions. We wanted to start a band together, like every teenage kid, and I wanted to sing cause I thought it would be fun. The thing he said to me stuck with me for a while, and it wasn’t mean, but being a feminist it put me off a little bit. He said to me that we shouldn’t have a female singer because not many female fronted bands get famous. It bothered me because there are so many female fronted bands that are so famous and so amazing.  Because he said that to me I want to be just like “challenge accepted” watch me get famous.

There are a lot of great female fronted bands that don’t get as much reconnection as they should. So I have been making it my duty to find as many as possible. Normally when I talk about music it’s mostly about like 80s-90s music, mostly punk rock or something. I have noticed that a lot of girl punk bands talk a lot about feminism, sexism, sex, and things that pertain to being a girl. Which I find very empowering and totally badass.

  • Bikini Kill
  • Royal Trux
  • Blondie
  • Pat Benatar
  • Damone
  • The Cranberries
  • Hole
  • Jack Off Jill
  • Marina and The Diamonds
  • Pussy Riot
  • I guess Pussy Galore, there is Julia Cafritz, but she’s not the singer, she’s the guitarist
  • Deep Dark Robot
  • Queercore
  • Regina Spektor
  • Kids Love Lies
  • Kimya Dawson
  • The Distillers
  • Lana Del Rey
  • Free Kitten (which is actually Sonic Youth’s Kim Gordon’s band)
  • The Donnas
  • Lilly Allen
  • Florence and The Machines
  • Paramore
  • Emily’s Sassy Lime
  • Cold Cold Hearts

There is soooo many more, I have actually just recently found a wonderful playlist of a bunch of these bands and of course they start with the song Rebel Girl by Bikini Kill, which is always the best way to start a Female Fronted band playlist

I know I must have missed a bunch of bands, there is no way I got all of the female fronted punk/rock/pop bands. That’s just what I could think of off the top of my head. But if you think of one or two or six please share them with me and I would love to add it to the list! Music is a wonderful way to help express things. So I hope if you don’t know these bands already that you look them up! Because most of them are amazing!

Why teenage girls act the way we do, coming from a teenage girl.

my scanner doesn't always work so I took a photo with my smanshy fancy camera.

my scanner doesn’t always work so I took a photo with my smanshy fancy camera.

I am a teenage girl, as I have said before, I think. Being a teenage girl is a very confusing thing, mainly because of the other teenage girls we have to interact with and having to deal with our own personal findings. Being a girl or women in this world we live in now is an interesting thing to go through. You have the pressure of the future looming over your head, not to mention the pressure of stereotypes and other women’s views of on one another.

To understand why teenage girls act the way we do, you have to understand what we go through.

Being a teenager you have to get up at the ungodly hours of the morning, which for me is very hard to do. My school actually starts later than most high schools which is better for me. I drag myself out of bed and down to the kitchen to make myself some coffee, because without coffee it is very difficult for me to have a filter. I than go back upstairs once I make coffee, 2 spoons full of cream and 1 spoon full of sugar, to get dressed and do my make up. Which shouldn’t take long but I make it long. I like my make up to be as perfect as possible so it takes me like 40 minutes to do the wings, which is ridiculously long I get annoyed with myself a lot during this point in my morning. During this my coffee gets cold because I forget about it so I run down the stairs to nuke my coffee then in that minute I run back upstairs to throw all my homework and papers into my bag. Once I hear the ding of the microwave I check myself in the mirror then hurry back down the stairs. By then it’s already like 7:30, I get up at 6:30, or I try to. So I gulp down the last bits of my coffee and throw together my lunch and breakfast that I bring to school. I brush my teeth and then put my shoes on. Surprisingly I am normally the first person to be ready so I go on my computer to kill time.

Why do girls feel the need to put on so much make up, or spend so much time on how they look? “It’s obviously because they are trying to impress a guy they like” No. Most of the time it’s because the person is unhappy with how they look. (let me say this is not why all girls do things, I probably know as much as you do on my gender, but this is what I know about some teenage girls.) The media has ingrained in our minds since the beginning that if we do not have their product we are not beautiful, or we are wrinkly, or our hair is greasy ect. It’s set up to make us feel like that so we can get whatever product they are trying to sell us. Being kids we don’t always understand that, it’s not in our front of our brain. We do not wake up and think “Oh I don’t have this type of make up, I’m ugly.” It’s over time, in our subconscious. And that is the worst, because we do not have control over that. We can say that these commercials do not affect us, but we are still buying make up.

I buy make up because I like it, and sometimes because I don’t like how I look without make up on. But admitting that is the first step to changing that. I am trying to change that, but I mostly wear it because it has become habit and I generally like putting make up on.

So back to my average day. It takes between 20 to 30 minutes to get to my school from my house. Because I am learning how to drive some days I am the one in the drivers seat. I am normally early, once again, to school because my parents have to get to work before school starts. Once I get to school I got to the cafe we have and make my breakfast then sit down in a little nook of the school to read. Not many people are at the school that early in the morning so I seclude myself, so I can read or do homework that I forgot to do in the previous night.

Lets say it’s a Monday morning. So I’m probably more rested then I would be in the middle of the week.

The first class I have is stage combat, it’s an alright class. We are currently learning how to stage sword fights. So just an average type of class. I like to wear dresses a lot so I have learned to wear bikes shorts under my skirts/dresses so I don’t “have to act like a lady.” Meaning I can kick or jump on someone without having a anime panty shot.

Somewhere in my day I have to go to the bathroom. Which shouldn’t be as stressful as it is, because you are just going to the bathroom. But the bathroom is where girls go to gossip, check their make up, and judge everyone. If I am lucky no one is in there, but that is almost never the case. I have noticed that girls tend to judge other girls on things that happen to everyone, like lets say, periods. I don’t know why but whenever I am trying to unwrap my pad or something whoever is in the bathroom just stops talking and it becomes instantly awkward and I find that hard to deal with. Like I know I have no reason to feel awkward about it, but I do. So I put a thing on tumblr asking girls if they feel awkward about unwrapping pads or tampons when there are other girls in the bathroom. It’s weird how many girls felt uncomfortable with it or felt awkward about it. Like every girl gets her period so why is so awkward?

Also sometimes when I walk into the bathroom there will be girls in there talking and they’ll just stop talking and stare at me. This isn’t the normal who’s-at-the-door stare, it’s the why-the-fuck-would-you-even-come-in-here-when-we-are-talking-in-here. It’s the worst.

At the end of my day I come home with a bag full of homework that I am expected to do either for the next day or by the end of the week. And the school expects us to sleep? It’s either sleep or good grades. Somehow I have managed to have both, but it’s very difficult.

Double standards is a huge issue that I see people struggle with, and I myself struggle with a lot. The google definition says double standard is a “Noun: A rule or principle that is unfairly applied in different ways to different people or groups.” A frequent double standard that I see happen is when people, particularly males (I’m trying to write this so it’s not male bashing, because that is bad and just as mean as sexism.), tend to say to girls “oh why do you feel so self-conscious, you are beautiful,” or “you’re so pretty when you laugh, why don’t you laugh more” or “why don’t you like to wear bikinis?” etc. When a girl wears something that is a little bit revealing or she likes it and feels pretty in, males will make rude comments (not always though, there are nice guys out there). Some will comment on their body figure, or “what rack she has” or “how her ass looks fine in those shorts.” Sometimes girls have scars, and say she has gotten enough confidence to show them or wear something that shows them, people will make negative comments on them. That is unacceptable, making rude and mean comments to someone who has scars on them is hurtful. The person has been through something so bad that they feel the only way to take control is by harming themselves. And saying that they shouldn’t wear revealing clothing, or that it’s disgusting, or anything making a comment on it in a negative way, is not helping the person in any way or form. So next time you ask a girl or anyone why don’t they wear a certain thing, or do this or do that, think back into comments that you or anyone else may have made on them. Then see why we don’t always do that.

That’s kind of the main double standard I see a lot of girls struggling with. It’s a difficult thing to navigate through.

People say confidence is attractive in a girl, but then girls will make fun of each other and guys will make negative comments on our bodies. You expect us to have a high esteem level for ourselves, when we are bashed by our peers? That is double standard that I have the hardest time dealing with, because I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself.

Being a teenager is weird, you have all these emotions that you don’t always understand. Then on top of that you have to go to school and have friends and a social life. It’s just a weird part in life that everyone goes through.