koúkla mou

1.

One day someone will sing a lullaby
when counting sheep does not help
if lullabies don’t help you sleep
a cup of warm milk will be by your bedside

They’ll take pictures of the smiles
that form on your beautiful face
placing them safely in a book
bound in plastic, to last over the years

They’ll mend every broken heart and stubbed toe
placing a band-aid on whatever is hurt

2.

One day koúkla mou
You’ll exist

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Pocketing Memories With Pieces of Lint

An implicative memory hangs limply on a coat hanger
Wrap it around my shoulders and move on
I forget it’s there until I remember
When no other words are processing,
I remember.

Compose myself with sips of water
and splashes of reality
Then go back to the class and settle down

Lint balls collect and I pick them off
Feeling guilty for losing the little bits left of you
I pocket them,
and they begin to collect
like the congealing memories

I feel guilty about you becoming a memory
You should be more than pieces of lint
collecting in my pocket

I wrap myself up in the smells of every memory
that I will not let fade away

and all I have is the vague smell of home and
lint balls that remind me of you

Aftertaste of Shame: When Will They Stop the Blame?

A rush comes with anger
With the aftertaste of shame.
I didn’t think this would ever happen to me
And I am not to blame

With the aftertaste of shame
I cover my body, to feel safe
And I am not to blame
Empty streets and long walks home

I cover my body to feel safe
When will they realize I was sober
Empty streets and long walks home
We must remember, we will always remember

When will they realize I was sober
They say I am at fault, but how?
We must remember, we will always remember
We need to take action now.

They say I am at fault, but how?
This shouldn’t happen to anyone
We need to take action now
A rush comes with anger

Passing Break and Shallow Breath

Together they take a breath
The air flows through, but she
chokes and gasps, her breath is shallow.
Can the air be any less bitter?
“Are you okay?” he
mentions in their passing break

They only see one another on their break
She wondered if he held his breath
when they pass each other, he
did. In the fleeting hope she
would become a lesser version of bitter

But that’s a lie, she wasn’t shallow,
just needed to have a bread
from himself. The wind was bitter
against the open lungs “take a breath
and exhale yourself into me” she
sighed. She looked so bright he

was blinded by her. Did he
believe himself to be shallow?
The world they live in she
felt a harmful way of a break
They both need to take a deep breath
and exhale their feelings of bitterness

Their facades have melted into their bitter
truth. “What is the truth?” he
asked. The world is softly taking it’s breath
together they will live in it’s shallow
lungs and swim in it’s bones, break
apart and sink deep down. She

will drown otherwise. With that she
will becomes and stay bitter
There isn’t the time for their break
The world is empty and he
is trying to be not as shallow
when he passes her, he holds his breath

She will break and collapse
under his bitter breath, loves
the shallow intake he provides.

Dictionary poems

We did this fun poetry exercise in my poetic voice class where we would take three words from the dictionary (we started with three adjectives but you can do whatever word you want) then what you do is you write the word and definition down. With that you have to create a poem only using the words in the definition and you use the three words in a title. Get it? It’s really difficult but a lot of fun.

*~*~*~*~*

The elastic feeling of being incapable with the nostalgic longing for you

Easily resume the lacking ability to be stretched
Stretched for the past
Shaped for the bittersweet longing

Being stretched after lacking the necessary past
Longing for being necessary
Easily resume the shape of the past

The bittersweet shape of longing
For the past, the necessary past.

*~*~*~*~*

So the words I got from the dictionary were: Elastic, Incapable and Nostalgic. Then the second one I did just know because I really had fun with the first one. I used the words: Epiphany, Cynical, and Vestige.

*~*~*~*~*

Does the vestige of my epiphany calculate for my cynicism towards us?

Believing a trace of disappearing people by appearance of divine standards
Disregarding only human integrity that is disappearing
Disappearing or no longer existing?

Believing a trace of integrity for one’s own self-interest
Typical appropriate standards are manifestations of no longer existing
Appearance of believing that people are distrustful of being motivated

Concerned only that people are no longer something
Something that disregarded sincerity of one’s own integrity
Accept or disregard a trace of something that longer exists.

Religion??

Figuring out religion as a teen is a weird thing. Figuring out religion and God and faith is a weird thing in general. It is asking to believe in something that you cannot see or hear or touch with blind faith and for many people that is a difficult thing to believe in. Many people, including myself, need hard facts. They cannot live off of the notion that there is someone, or thing, up in cosmos looking out after us.

I am growing up in a Muslim household, we are sufis. Sufism is a different path to the Muslim faith, like how there are different paths to Christianity. Sufism is deeper (I’m not putting down any other form of Islam), it’s less about praying 5 times a day and more about your connection with Allah(God) and how it affects your day to day life. I have grown up believing that Allah is all around us, within us, he/she is all around us and it’s weird but it makes sense to me. I don’t see Allah as this mighty man with a gray beard that over looks us small humans from up in the clouds.

But at the same time it doesn’t make sense. Because there is cold hard facts on how the earth was created and how we came to being, the big bang, evolution ect. But whenever I think that there is a nagging feeling in the back of my mind but how did everything start, before the atoms, before the universe before everything and it leads me to Allah. But that confuses me, because I can see this being that is supposedly around me and it bothers me. I go from cold hard science facts to being like “oh yeah God’s real, it makes sense” there is no in between, and I want to be in the in between.

Religion at this age is weird, and figuring out what you believe is even more weird because it’s just one more thing you are figuring out. I guess it’s just being a teenager that is weird. I don’t know. 

How feminism has helped me

So I realized I haven’t posted in a while, and this makes me sad. I obviously cannot post regularly because I forget and I’m lazy. But I do post, which is something. To me, maybe not to you. And by you, I mean you the reader the one who is staring at these words hopefully maybe with an amused look on your face. Because you are probably thinking “what is this girl rambling about?” because if I was in your shoes that’s what I would be thinking. Well that’s what I’m thinking right now actually, and how my coffee is cold, again.

Anyways I do have a point to why I am posting, not to just blabber on about things that aren’t important.

So feminism.

I am still new to it, I am still learning, well we’re all still learning. There isn’t like a badge of feminism that says “YOU ARE THE HIGHEST RANKING FEMINIST” no that’s not a thing, feminism isn’t like being a girl scout. That is what being a girl scout is like? I wasn’t a girl scout as a child so I could be totally wrong. ANYWAY. The point I am going to try to make is why feminism is important to me, Izzy. Many people have different reasons for believing in feminism, and I want to explain mine. Mainly because I just figured it out. I know why I believe in feminism and why it means so much to me now, and I think it’s a wonderful thing that I figured it out. I feel like I want to scream it to the clouds and talk about to anyone who will listen. But since everyone is working I will go to you, the reader/s, the internet! A magical place!

So I was in the shower this morning and I was looking at my legs, I haven’t shaved for a couple weeks or so, I initially didn’t shave all July but then some stupid thought popped up and was like Izzy shave your legs it’ll feel nice and I did, but it took a fucking hour to shave my legs, and I barely got any hair off so I just gave up again. But anyways my point to my legs is that, I’ve heard many stereotypes of the “typical feminist” and what they look like. The one stereotype that continues to pop up is a dirty, unshaven, butch lesbian. I and many people can say that is utter bullshit. Like people (because they are people gasp) feminists come in all different shapes, sizes, genders, skin color, sexuality, religion etc. So some feminist are straight edge, girly, weeaboos! They can be anything, and because of that the feminist community is so vast and different but everyone has the same intention, equality for everyone. Everyone is so understanding and accepting of everyone that it makes you feel better. Do you get what I’m saying?

I don’t think so, I’m just stringing words together hoping they make sense. Let me try again maybe.

Like before I “found feminism” I was really self conscious, I didn’t do things that I really wanted to because I thought be judged, and I thought wearing a lot of makeup would make me look like a “whore” and I just wasn’t happy with myself. But then I started to listen to Bikini Kill and I started reading books on women’s suffrage, and I got involved with the tumblr feminist community. And I realized something, I can wear whatever the fuck I want, I can put as much makeup as I want, I don’t have to shave my legs if I don’t want to. Because it’s not about pleasing other people, it’s about pleasing and making yourself happy. When I “found feminism” I became more open to peoples ideas, I was able to believe in something that made sense to me. It opened my eyes to what the world is like. I live in small community where women were treated like people, and there was a very prominent LGTBQ community. So I guess I took that for granted and thought that everywhere was like us, but it wasn’t. I’m glad that my eyes were opened to it and I didn’t stay ignorant to what is happening in the world. It’s good because if I went out into the world not knowing that everyone is not as nice as I think they are, I would I have been screwed. I’m not saying everyone is a horrible person but there are those people who are and you cannot avoid them.

I guess I kinda just grew up thinking that people were treated equally and gender or race or sexuality wasn’t being taken into account on peoples views on one another. So when I learned that it wasn’t like that, feminism just made sense. People should be treated equally, men should not dictate what I can do with my body, I want to have equal pay, I should not worry about my self image and how it affects other people, and most of all I want to feel safe about being self. And feminism showed me that, of course we’re gonna have to work for some of those things, we can’t just sit around and talk about it we need to stand up for our beliefs. I know if we try hard enough we can make a change.